Balancing Act

As mentioned previously, I'm somewhat terrified of the somewhat uncertain career future Zach and I face. I want to handle things with grace, but handling them means coming up with an actual plan.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to plan when you have not one, but two careers in their delicate, fragile infancy? 

When we were first dating and newly married, after frolicking with unicorns in a rainbow meadow, we would gaze deep into each others eyes and dream about our beautiful, utopian future of perfect equality and bliss. He would be a University professor at a lovely liberal arts school in Portland, I would have a Family law practice of my very own. We would each arrange our schedules so that one of us could always be at our lovingly restored 1920's home, babies playing with developmentally appropriate, organic wood toys or practicing the cello at our feet. Neither of us would be overly stressed by the demands of home or work, both of us would get to share in the joys of both equally. We would be perfect partners, total equals, supporting the hopes and dreams of each of us equally.

I still get a little starry eyed thinking about it.

The real world isn't nearly as simple as our naivety and romance induced hallucinations. At this point I'm not even talking about all the impossibilities of both of us finding wonderful part-time or otherwise flexible employment. For now, I'm just flumoxed as to how we can both even begin to pursue careers simulataneously.

So far things have been fairly simple. We both only applied to school in the DC area, solely on the basis that we couldn't think of another area that had so many schools that had programs we were interested in and had a shot at. Sure, neither of us went to what would have been our first choice if we were single, but all in all we were happy. It was a nice, teeny-tiny compromise. And probably the only and last easy compromise we'll face. 

Next year, I graduate, and need to take the bar somewhere and get a job in that same place, preferably a job with good future opportunities. At that exact same time, Zach will be sending out a second wave of PhD applications throughout the country, and if he has his way, preferably in foreign countries and hopefully accepting one of the many offers sent his way. Somehow we both need to make big commitments and end up in the same place, at the same time. Which is more than a little difficult.

We not only want to be in the same place, both of us pursuing our careers, but we also want to make choices that are good for other aspects of our future. It would be wonderful to start making little people at some point. Which of course would require us having a plan for how we would care for them. We should also start making money eventually, maybe even buy a house. It's amazing how quickly one decision can snowball until its not just choosing a job or a PhD program, but choosing every aspect of our future, recognizing that every option destroys certain future opportunities and creates others that are beyond our powers of imagination.

It would be so much simpler if one of us was the designated primary career person. Even if we wanted to, I'm not sure how we could choose. From a financial perspective, I not only have a higher earning potential than Zach, but I also have a scarily high amount of student loans, so me working to pay them off is somewhat essential. However, I also have the baby making and baby feeding parts, which makes me more likely to take the career backseat at some point, and more important for us to make choices now that will advance Zach's career. But neither of us want to tell the other person that their aspirations are second place in this marriage. That's just not how we roll. And in the end, we still really like our pie in the sky uber-equity dream. Of course, I also like the idea of a solid health care plan, but that doesn't make it a reality.

Fortunately, we have a little while to figure things out, and there are no rules in life against abruptly changing course. I may desperately want to have our future perfectly laid out for us, but that's not how life goes, and if I'm honest with myself, that's not how I would want it. Choosing amidst uncertainty may be one of the most terrifying parts of life, but its also what makes it really living.

Do any of you deal with the problems of balancing the careers of two people? How do you do it?