I love you, now leave me alone

I love Zach, and one of the reasons I am able to continue doing so is Wednesday. No, Wednesday isn't business time, it's me time.

Our living situation is greatly affected by our student lifestyle. One, we have a large amount of discretionary time, most of which is spent at home. Two, our lack of income means that we live in a studio, not so affectionately dubbed "the shoebox." Basically, we spend most of our time in a small, enclosed space with each other. Often times this is really nice. I generally like the guy and like spending time with him. this was a large part of the whole choosing to marry him thing.

At other times, things start to build up. It isn't anything personal; living in constant close proximity with someone, no matter how great they are, can just be an interpersonal overload sometimes. After all that close cuddliness, I start to feel like my personal bubble is slowly being smothered to death, and it's dragging my patience and good nature along with it. It starts with small things starting to feel like nails on a chalkboard. The way he takes a utensil I'm still using and plops it into the dirty sink water, even though a bread knife really doesn't need to soak and did I mention that I was still using it? Things that I normally overlook as unimportant, or at least can overcome with a deep breath and a polite reminder. But, the more we spend close and constant time together, the more the pressure of the small things builds until even a tender touch feels like a hot poker attacking what little personal space I've managed to preserve.

And then Wednesday swoops in and saves me. After my Wednesday, my defenses have recharged, and all minor annoyances bounce of my personal force field. I'm ready to be loving and close again for another week.

Fortunately, part of being students means that so far, Zach has had at least one evening class each semester. One blessed evening a week where I come home and the apartment is blissfully empty. I don't do anything too out of the ordinary. Just listen to music without headphones and other things that are generally considered rude when in the company of another. Even in the best relationship, you have to censor yourself a little around another person. Nothing major, but you are constantly aware of their presence and adjusting in subtle ways for the sake of the other. I need that one evening a week when I can just be. This semester, that class falls on a Wednesday. My sacred Wednesdays.

Well, they were my Wednesdays. For some reason, his evening class isn't going to be meeting regularly for the rest of the semester. Which means he will be home during that time. Which means I will not be alone. My  force field is officially dead. I don't know how I'm going to survive. Or, more accurately, how he is going to.

This morning, I woke up, ready to engage in my morning routine. My usually quiet, solo, building up the defenses to face the world routine. This routine does not work as a duet. It was a morning of barely restrained fury. He tried to talk to me while I ate, I tried not to  gouge his eye out with my spoon. He would get up to take a shower 5 minutes before my internally scheduled hair and make up time, I would silently try to scream my rage out. He would notice my building frustration and try to ask what he could do to help. I would take that as another assault on my precious alone time. There was nothing that poor man could have done. I just needed to be alone. And there he was, trying to help, but unknowingly committing the horrible crime of co-existing in my space.

It was only about 45 minutes, but I don't know how we lasted that long. We'll be together from 5pm on tonight. Heaven help us.