As for me, most of the time I feel like a six year old who has started to get wise to whole Santa situation. There is something appealing about the story, you want to trust your parents and hey you did get presents last Christmas, which is almost like proof. But the whole situation is starting to feel fishy, there are some obvious discrepancies, plus Santa usually just seems to come up when the grown-ups are trying to make you be good.
It's not that I don't want to believe, I just can't keep one foot out all that doesn't make sense. It's not enough to believe, I want every piece to fit together perfectly, without any room for reasonable doubt. More than belief, I want to know.
Last night we weren't feeling up for our usual chapter before bed, so I just flipped through and read a random verse. I ended up at Ephesians 3:17-19
"...that ye being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; and to know the love of Christ which passeth knowledge."I can't quite get that verse out of my head. I don't know the love of Christ, not really. I've made it's acquaintance, we've said hi, but really knowing? Especially knowing beyond knowing, beyond reason, into the realm of murky faith that makes me squint and go "seriously? You want me to believe what now?"
I don't know how to know. So often religion feels like anything but love. It feels petty and harsh.The opposite of the wide, all encompassing love I want to be at the heart of it all.
I crave that love I've met briefly before, and that's why even with all the gunk that sometimes gets layered on, I can't let go of my church. Just like a kid who won't let go of Santa because whether it makes sense or not, something underneath the funky trappings feels good and right.
I wonder if I can't reach it because I insist on knowing, on having it all make sense? For that matter, I wonder why something that is supposed to be good and perfect so often isn't. I want the goodness, the love, but I don't know how to find it without denying part of myself and accepting things I just can't.
I want to know beyond knowing. I just don't have the slightest idea how, or why I have to go through any of this to begin with.
I'm inactive. I'm definitely not a naturally religious person. meh.
ReplyDeleteI left and now I am becoming a Jew. It's very Sex in the City. Religion never naturally came for me and probably never will. I take that as a point of pride.
ReplyDeleteOh to add a culturally reform jewish person, because my boyfriend is and it's a sense of unity for future family. I think I would have just as much problem with being a strict jewish person (the whole wig thing) as I had being LDS.
ReplyDeleteEmmie,
ReplyDeleteI've seen little bits and pieces of your becoming Jewish on your blog, and I would love to hear more. I didn't know you used to be LDS, although BYU-H makes much more sense now. It's not really the same tone as most of your blog, but if you ever decide to say a little more, I'd love to hear it.
Your post has given me much to think about. And I can't tell you how many times I've written, deleted, and rewritten this comment.
ReplyDeleteI don't "know," either. But I continue to seek His face. And when I get bogged down by all the many, many problems I have with parts of Church history or doctrine, I remind myself that underneath it all was Christ's message of love. That we should all strive to be good to one another. Underneath all the rules, all the hierarchy, all the mystical and spiritual stuff, and all the multitude of commandments there is a simple message of love, kindness and compassion. That is something I understand. That's something I KNOW.
The love of Christ isn't necessarily love coming from Christ himself. Perhaps it's just genuine, pure love period.
There was a really great podcast on Mormon Stories (which I love) that addresses, among other things, the Mormon obsession with proclaiming absolute KNOWLEDGE of things. I think he addresses it in several podcasts including #109 and #111.
ReplyDelete(http://mormonstories.org/howtostay/HowToStaySeattle2007.mp3)
A paraphrase of his introduction to the idea:
"One thing that causes crises of faith is the notion that is often shared across the pulpit that the church is either exactly what it claims to be or the biggest fraud ever perpetrated on mankind. And, if you're pushed into that sort of binary, polarized paradigm, you're sort of encouraged to accept it lock-stock-and-barrel or to get the heck out..."
I personally reject this idea & do not embrace the notion of absolute knowledge as the highest/most desirable goal of religion (or perhaps I question the utility of measuring the gospel with this framework).
I have more thoughts than are appropriate for a comment form, I suppose.
We should chat/have a discussion group or somethin'.
Great post btw.
I posted about it a long time ago but it caused a stir so I have never brought it up again. I officially left in law school but I only stayed at BYU because they made it impossible for me to transfer. Oh it's such a long story!
ReplyDelete