To know

I'm not a naturally religious person. I know some who are, people for whom God seems to come to them as naturally as breathing and a life without religion is as unthinkable as a life without air. 

As for me, most of the time I feel like a six year old who has started to get wise to whole Santa situation. There is something appealing about the story, you want to trust your parents and hey you did get presents last Christmas, which is almost like proof. But the whole situation is starting to feel fishy, there are some obvious discrepancies, plus Santa usually just seems to come up when the grown-ups are trying to make you be good.

It's not that I don't want to believe, I just can't keep one foot out all that doesn't make sense. It's not enough to believe, I want every piece to fit together perfectly, without any room for reasonable doubt. More than belief, I want to know.

Last night we weren't feeling up for our usual chapter before bed, so I just flipped through and read a random verse. I ended up at Ephesians 3:17-19

"...that ye being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; and to know the love of Christ which passeth knowledge."

I can't quite get that verse out of my head. I don't know the love of Christ, not really. I've made it's acquaintance, we've said hi, but really knowing? Especially knowing beyond knowing, beyond reason, into the realm of murky faith that makes me squint and go "seriously? You want me to believe what now?"

I don't know how to know. So often religion feels like anything but love. It feels petty and harsh.The opposite of the wide, all encompassing love I want to be at the heart of it all.

I crave that love I've met briefly before, and that's why even with all the gunk that sometimes gets layered on, I can't let go of my church. Just like a kid who won't let go of Santa because whether it makes sense or not, something underneath the funky trappings feels good and right.

I wonder if I can't reach it because I insist on knowing, on having it all make sense? For that matter, I wonder why something that is supposed to be good and perfect so often isn't. I want the goodness, the love, but I don't know how to find it without denying part of myself and accepting things I just can't.

I want to know beyond knowing. I just don't have the slightest idea how, or why I have to go through any of this to begin with.