I'm a psychotic food hoarder

Growing up I took a perverse delight in having a treat longer than my three brothers. I was a master at stretching out my Halloween candy until Easter came and replenished things. When we would get pizza I would take my allotted portion and slowly eat half pieces and laugh at my foolish brothers who scarfed everything the first night and now have to just have plain sandwiches for lunch. I felt so superior with my carefully kept reserves of yumminess. Sure, I never got to eat a lot, but I always had something tucked away.

It's been years since I lived with my horde of siblings, but I still like to make good food last. I'm one of those obnoxious people who will just have a nibble of chocolate and be done, not because I'm so disciplined (ha) but because I can't bear the thought of it being gone.

This crazy strategy works well with candy and other balls of edible chemicals. Which is fine, except lately we've been trying to eat actual honest to goodness fruits. Like from the ground and everything, not in roll up form.

It's been delicious, and while I still love my ice cream, crowning dinner with a bowl of strawberries is almost as awesome. Or, it would be if I wasn't a crazy person. See, I still like to save and stretch out good food. Especially good produce where there is no guarantee that there will be fresh replacements in the grocery store as fruit season is sadly coming to a close. Unfortunately the quality of fruit quickly diminishes the longer it's around, so I usually just end up with a stash of squishy sad berries. Even as I see them go bad, I still hate to eat the last ones. I hate throwing them away even more.

So now my craziness is stuck in an odd battle between trying to stretch them out, so I can always have fruit, while simultaneously getting the maximum enjoyment and avoiding waste.

It's not a pretty process. I'm one step away from making spreadsheets and formulas to determine the method for maximum fruit enjoyment. As it is, I now very carefully analyze every produce serving for maximum effectiveness and success as maintaining a perfect quality/quantity ratio.

I know that healthy eating is supposed to be good for you, but I just want to say that the fake stuff never activated my crazy this hard. I'm going to be the only victim of a strawberry related stress heart attack.