Anti-Baby

Which is more terrifying?

A) Being eaten alive by crocodiles
B) Darth Vader before he puts on his helmet
C) Sarah Palin as president (Insert scary liberal here if you so choose, this is a bipartisan fear list)
D) A Baby

Answer: D) A Baby

There is nothing more terrifying than a baby. Well, except snakes. To Satan I say kudos, you made an excellent choice of horrifying animals to possess. But back to babies.

You see, at least once a month I am deathly afraid that I have a parasitic being growing inside of me. Once I have reached this conclusion, anything and everything around me supports it. Do I smell something weird? I must be pregnant and now possess superior senses of smell. Am I in any way shape or form nauseous? Pregnant. Do I want a pickle? Well, you get the idea. Inevitably I am proven wrong right before I decide to go buy a pregnancy test, but I spend at least two days a month in abject terror.

Now lets keep things straight, I do not hate babies. I wish no ill will towards them. Indeed the ones that smile and giggle and only vaguely resemble Winston Churchill are rather cute. I'm just scared to death of them. And I have reasons. Very, very good reasons.

1) The soft spot. Babies come with a self destruct button! And its not hidden, oh no, its on their head! Their very accessible, easy to accidentally touch and then kill them head!
2) Things frequently spew out of them.
3) Before there can be a baby there must be pregnancy. Which so does not look like fun.
4) Birth. This should be fairly self explanatory.
5) Again with the easily accidentally killable. I saw an episode of Bones once where a woman had PPD and shook her baby for just a second, which killed him. So she then killed her pregnant friend, stole her friends unborn child and raised him as her own. This so does not sound good.
6) There's always the chance of Rosemary's baby. Not a good chance, but still.
7) Babies require a huge amount of change and care and oh my oh my are they vulnerable. And guess what? That's all on you. FOREVER

So I suppose to be fair, I'm not scared of all babies, just babies that would grow inside of me and then be completely dependent on me for a really long time. Bottom line, pregnancy is scary, birth is scary, and babies oh goodness babies are self destruct machines designed to drive you insane with fear.

Of course there are exceptions to this baby fear. While Zach and I were flying back to Oregon I saw the cutest baby I have ever seen. It had these huge dark eyes, this cute bright pink jumper and it kept laughing and playing, and crawling up to people and was just the sweetest thing. Had we not been so tired and lacking in privacy I would have been inclined to try to make me one of those right there. As it was all I could do was to wave and make awww noises. I considered trying to take a picture of that sweet little girl, but I couldn't figure out a non creepy way to do so. Occasionally when I start to feel all baby sacred I'll go online and look at all the adorable baby stuff out there. This usually backfires as I am quickly reminded that babies cost a small fortune and apparently need everything and I would be responsible for all that and oh boy. And then I am right back to where I started. I'm sure someday I'll grow up and be ready and face this fear and go on to have an amazing adventure with the love and the cute little socks and stuff. But right now I am so very, very not ready. And so babies remain terrifying. (But not more terrifying than snakes).

(A note to all mothers/fathers and the maternally/paternally inclined. I'm sure your babies are wonderful, and you love them a lot and that you and they are generally awesome. That's wonderful, it really is. I'm still sacred silly.)