Nursing tops and baby bags

No energy for a real post today. (Spent all my energy wandering around the Tidal basin, basking in the beauty of the cherry blossoms and trying to ignore the tourist hordes. More on that tomorrow.) But I do have enough left for wandering over the internet daydreaming about the fate of my student loan dollars.

I know that it's spring and long sleeves aren't exactly needed, but I kind of love this top. It's exactly the sort of thing I wear. Purple, simple and  comfy with just a little bit of an interesting neckline. And it's on sale. The catch? It's a nursing top. (Please don't ask why I was in Gap's maternity section. I don't really know why myself.) Is it too weird for someone who has no nursing baby, no baby growing inside who will be eventually nursing, and no practical existence of either scenario happening in the near future to buy a nursing top?

I asked Zach if it would be weird. He asked what the difference was between a normal top and a nursing top. I told him that nursing tops provide easier access to the breasts. He stopped being helpfull after that.

Oh, and I also love this diaper bag in Cupcakes green that I found at Vera Bradley. For use as a purse, of course. I spill things in my purse all the time, so a easy wipe interior would be usefull, not to mention the utility of all the extra pockets. But I think an actual diaper bag might be pushing it.

Ugly baby

What are you supposed to do when you meet an ugly baby? Come on, even the best baby really isn't that adorable in the first little bit, and the scary ones look like the love child of old man Benjamin Button and ET.

But after nine months of incubation and who knows how many hours of labor, you just do not under any circumstances insinuate in any way, shape or form, that that wriggly pink thing is not perfect. I get it. I spend 30 minutes making dinner and get annoyed at anything other than enthusiastic yums. After spending 9 months on something, a few generic compliments on the fruit of your labor is the least you can expect. Personally, I would want a statue of some kind and a theme song by Celine Dion, Bryan Adams or some other Canadian soft-rock power ballad diva type.

Statue and theme song not withstanding, clearly there is an obligation to say something. As babies really can't do much or have a discernible personality, that sort of leaves you with looks. Do you just chuck your integrity out the window? Make generic, non-committal positive noises? Go out into left field and say the kid smells nice? I just don't know what to say to a face like that.

I can take a hint

I feel a little silly admitting this out loud, but for a sizeable chunk of November I was hit with crazy baby fever. I'm not sure what if it was some sort of hive mind response to seemingly everyone I know having just had a baby or just found out that they're expecting (I swear, there is some sort of baby announcement on my facebook wall everyday, not to mention the people I blog stalk), or if I actually do have some sort of crazy baby, hungry biological clock deal, but oh I wanted one so bad. I was looking at all the adorable nursery things, and thinking about names and cute wittle baby smiles. Even practical Genavee kind of got into the game, and started looking at birth plans, new apartments and what not. It was pretty bad, but I got over it. We have a nice plan that calls for kids in 4-5 years when we have some sort of stability  - little things like jobs and maybe even living in a place with more than one room. Big dreams, I know. But its a good plan for us, and I'm sticking with it.

Now my period is about two weeks late. I'm 99.5% sure that this is nothing. I've peed on a stick and gotten negative results, we are very responsible birth control users, all in all I can't fathom how I could possibly be pregnant. But just the very though of it being possible sends ice cold shivers of fear running down my spine. There is no way we can afford a baby. Our apartment is far to small. My health insurance is a joke. We don't even have a good network of support here in DC that could help us limp along. Not to mention how hard having a baby now would make finishing school, let alone finding a job and paying down student loans. I always know these things. But during these times of fear, I really really know. I'm choosing to interprete this little punctuality problem as the universes way of forcibly reminding me how catastrophic a baby would be right now. I get it Universe - right now baby=bad. Message received. Now if you would be so kind as to give me some peace of mind, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Anti-Baby

Which is more terrifying?

A) Being eaten alive by crocodiles
B) Darth Vader before he puts on his helmet
C) Sarah Palin as president (Insert scary liberal here if you so choose, this is a bipartisan fear list)
D) A Baby

Answer: D) A Baby

There is nothing more terrifying than a baby. Well, except snakes. To Satan I say kudos, you made an excellent choice of horrifying animals to possess. But back to babies.

You see, at least once a month I am deathly afraid that I have a parasitic being growing inside of me. Once I have reached this conclusion, anything and everything around me supports it. Do I smell something weird? I must be pregnant and now possess superior senses of smell. Am I in any way shape or form nauseous? Pregnant. Do I want a pickle? Well, you get the idea. Inevitably I am proven wrong right before I decide to go buy a pregnancy test, but I spend at least two days a month in abject terror.

Now lets keep things straight, I do not hate babies. I wish no ill will towards them. Indeed the ones that smile and giggle and only vaguely resemble Winston Churchill are rather cute. I'm just scared to death of them. And I have reasons. Very, very good reasons.

1) The soft spot. Babies come with a self destruct button! And its not hidden, oh no, its on their head! Their very accessible, easy to accidentally touch and then kill them head!
2) Things frequently spew out of them.
3) Before there can be a baby there must be pregnancy. Which so does not look like fun.
4) Birth. This should be fairly self explanatory.
5) Again with the easily accidentally killable. I saw an episode of Bones once where a woman had PPD and shook her baby for just a second, which killed him. So she then killed her pregnant friend, stole her friends unborn child and raised him as her own. This so does not sound good.
6) There's always the chance of Rosemary's baby. Not a good chance, but still.
7) Babies require a huge amount of change and care and oh my oh my are they vulnerable. And guess what? That's all on you. FOREVER

So I suppose to be fair, I'm not scared of all babies, just babies that would grow inside of me and then be completely dependent on me for a really long time. Bottom line, pregnancy is scary, birth is scary, and babies oh goodness babies are self destruct machines designed to drive you insane with fear.

Of course there are exceptions to this baby fear. While Zach and I were flying back to Oregon I saw the cutest baby I have ever seen. It had these huge dark eyes, this cute bright pink jumper and it kept laughing and playing, and crawling up to people and was just the sweetest thing. Had we not been so tired and lacking in privacy I would have been inclined to try to make me one of those right there. As it was all I could do was to wave and make awww noises. I considered trying to take a picture of that sweet little girl, but I couldn't figure out a non creepy way to do so. Occasionally when I start to feel all baby sacred I'll go online and look at all the adorable baby stuff out there. This usually backfires as I am quickly reminded that babies cost a small fortune and apparently need everything and I would be responsible for all that and oh boy. And then I am right back to where I started. I'm sure someday I'll grow up and be ready and face this fear and go on to have an amazing adventure with the love and the cute little socks and stuff. But right now I am so very, very not ready. And so babies remain terrifying. (But not more terrifying than snakes).

(A note to all mothers/fathers and the maternally/paternally inclined. I'm sure your babies are wonderful, and you love them a lot and that you and they are generally awesome. That's wonderful, it really is. I'm still sacred silly.)