Zach keeps asking me what I want for my upcoming birthday, and I don't know how to answer. It's not that I'm one of those people where golly gee my life is so perfect, how could I ever want more? No, I can't answer because I want far too much.
I want an awful lot of stuff. Shiny stainless steel pots and pans. DSLRs. A car, the ability to just hop in and go without consulting dozens of bus schedules and routes, praying that everything will run on time. A real home, with real things and a real life.
Really, it isn't about the stuff. It's about feeling stuck in this stage of life. I care about all the shiny things, sure, but I mostly just care about the kind of life they represent. I'm so tired of feeling like we should be someplace other than where we are in life. Everywhere I look and see couples our age or married for as long as we are who are having babies, buying houses and getting jobs. Moving forward in life. And we're just sitting here. Stagnant and terrified that we'll never be able to move forward. We knew that grad/law school would be hard, but we always thought that it would be worth it, we would come out the other side and find great opportunities. Now I just see debt and more of the same.
One of the reasons I want to move so badly is that when I think of the shoebox, it always feels like the place we are in because we can't do any better. We don't live here because it is good for us, we are here because we fail to do any better. I hate having that constant reminder around me. I hate that every day I wake up to that, come home to that.
It feels the like the Universe has personally stabbed me in the gut and is twisting the knife every time we find a perfect place, get excited and then watch it fall away. There is always a good reason. It's against policy to rent a studio to 2 people. The apartment already rented. But it all sounds like you can't do better to me.
I so badly want to just go screw it, it's only student loan money and just get a decent place. All the other in-school couples I know live in 1 bedrooms, why not us? Why can't we just move forward, just a little bit?
Why can't we ever seem to do better?
First of all, it WILL be worth it. When you graduate with your degree, you will have accomplished something huge and you'll have fun stories to tell your grandkids about sharing a studio as newlyweds. Second of all, I know how you feel. We're older than you (30) and we don't see houses and kids in the near future at all. I long for the day when I don't have to share walls with creepy neighbors.
ReplyDeleteSo I'm partially telling you to suck it up but I'm also telling you I empathize. That said, is there a big difference in rents for a 1BR versus a 2BR? If it's "only" $200 or $300, it might be worth the improvement in your quality of life.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way! I can definitely empathize with knowing that you'll be "stuck" in a certain situation for a while. (I mean, there's no point in us even looking for a house for AT LEAST the next five years!)
ReplyDeleteI am completely on board with FF. My parents lived in a tiny roach-infested place while my dad was in med school, they subsisted on something ridiculous like $10 a week for food, and now she talks about it sort of proudly - like it's a badge of honor. They survived it.
Also, if you can cut out some expense to make room for rent for a bigger place, I agree with FF that quality of life improvement might be worth it!
In the meantime, hang in there! This too shall pass!
Oh I know where you're coming from. I've accepted that I'll probably be living lean for a long while, but it's still difficult just in the day-to-day. And of course, on top of that, I have some married friends-both who are younger than I am- who have enough spare money to buy a puppy and have a flat-screen TV.
ReplyDeleteBut at the same time, I know my parents had to work long & hard for what they have, and it has made them grateful for what they have, and by extension, I'm also grateful for having what little there is. I just hope that eventually it'll work out. At least you're not actually the only one who feels that way.
:( I'm so sorry you feel like this. It WILL all pay off. Try to make the place you are now the place you want to be. Decorate it cute (on the cheap) and take advantage of any pros (ex: our house is tiny and very old, but close to shops and restaurants, so we like to walk places as much as possible to make use of this advantage while we have it - if we ever get a bigger house, it won't be walking distance to trader joe's and our favorite sushi place). I hope things get better!
ReplyDeleteI have nothing encouraging to say, except that I am in your same boat and sincerely hope that it is not in vain.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I tried to be encouraging and then I was all, "nope, I want the stainless steel pots and baby too"
((((Genavee))))
ReplyDeleteYou sound like you need a hug.
Try to find 2-3 positive things to focus on right now. If you look too long at the negatives, pretty soon they'll be all you can see.
You feel about your shoebox the same way I felt about our apartment. I hated how tiny it was, and I hated that we didn't really have an alternative. My longing for a house was almost palpable. Then, we started making a little more money and I wanted to move. But we decided it would be better to stay in the apartment as long as possible to save money for a house. I hated, hated, hated it. And it took a long time before we were finally able to move. But let me tell you, it really was worth the wait. It's almost sweeter, and means more to you, when you work so hard to get there.
ReplyDelete