Not beautiful, just different

#reverb10 - December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. 

What makes me different? Mostly, I'm just plain odd and a little over-imaginative and colorful. At least, that's what people keep telling me, while I sit there trying to figure out why exactly that was so weird. As in, we'll be playing a game of pictionary, where most people write things like Glee or penguins - and my contribution will be mermaid cannibals. Or I'll speak up in class, but with apparently a little more movement in my voice and arms than a more dignified law student, and a metaphor that is somehow just a little more colorful than ordinary. Or perhaps it was as simple as the fact that me stating that I think a certain professor is brilliant, but allowing him to interact with actual human beings seems like a gross violation of human rights, is just a tad more blunt than normal.

Honestly, most of this stuff just makes me feel self-conscious. I don't do things because I intentionally want to be odd, I just do things because that's what feels normal to me. Only to afterwords have people come up and tell me how funny or entertaining I was, meaning not normal. In a good way of course. I accept the compliment, I like the recognition, but I'm also usually inwardly trying to understand why what I did was so unusual.

These are the things people tell me they like about me. But they don't make me feel beautiful, mostly just flumoxed and a little self-conscious. I never know when I open my mouth if what I say will be taken like a normal, rational person statement, or if it will be met with an amused "Oh, that Genavee." Of course, sometimes it is all intentional, or at least it ends up that way when I start hamming it up when I'm getting a good reaction. But sometimes I really do wish I could just turn off the different, or at the very least always recognize it as such.