Class Voice

Every time I head back to classes after an extended break, I'm freaked out the first couple times I open my mouth. I hear words coming out, and I know that they're mine, but I don't recognize the sound of my own voice.

Class me does not sound like home me. Frankly, when I speak in class it sounds like I've been smoking since I was five. It's deep, throaty, raspy and a little scary. Its the kind of voice you expect coming out of a hardened lady of the night whose glory days have long since expired or someone name Brunhilda wielding a riding crop and a sporting a severe bun.

Home voice isn't exactly a sweet and bubbly soprano, but it's noticeably higher pitched and smoother sounding. It sounds like a normal voice - its the way my voice sounds in my head. Which is why class voice is a little upsetting until I get reacquainted with it. It doesn't feel like me.

For the life of me,  I'm not sure why I sound so different in the two contexts. I certainly don't do it intentionally. I can't decide if subconsciously I'm trying to be taken more seriously and I associate that with a deep voice, or if its just that I'm a little nervous speaking in class or something.Or perhaps home voice is the fake result of trying to change myself into someone more lilting and feminine. Or maybe I'm just sitting differently or something in each scenario. Either way I hate the idea that in someway I feel the need to change something as basic as my voice based on where I am.

It's not a huge deal, but I don't like the idea of having such different aspects of myself manifesting physically. Like everyone else, I am a slightly different person in different scenerios. It's just how the world works. But the older I get, the more I like the idea of just being me (whoever that is) wherever I am. the different voices makes me feel like one of them is fake, inauthentic, trying to hard. I just want to be.