So today is International Women's day, and because the internet is awesome, this amazing video went viral. Thank you internet for mixing two of my great loves together in such a great way.
I wasn't prepared for how generally awesome this video would be, and especially not for how surprisingly touching it was.
So when I think of Women's suffrage I think of awesome, but also kind of cute cute Victorian ladies holding town halls gatherings with flag bunting and wearing home embroidered banners and picketing until the men folk finally went oh! You sweet women really are serious about this whole voting thing? Well, ok then. Very sweet and inspiring and oh so very Disney. I forget them being treated like pariahs. I forget them being treated like crazy, unnatural women. I forget those who were institutionalized. I forget the police breaking up their marches. I forget the jail. I forget the beatings. I forget the very literal blood sweat and tears and everything they put on the line for all of us.
Sometimes I feel silly for being such a hard-core feminist. Like maybe I am just a little too sensitive to little comments or actions and shouldn't I just know that things are fine now and no one means anything by it? We've come a long way baby and all that jazz. And we have. And I'm grateful.
But in this past month I've seen people talk about how the state should be able to make doctors vaginally penetrate women against their will and at their expense before they can get a legal medical procedure. Apparently employers and the state and everyone else should come first in deciding what happens to a woman's body. I've noticed how many of the voices in these debated have been men, and how few women. And I've seen how ugly and mean in a very gendered way people have reacted to the women who said no to all those things.
And I wonder if for all the very important changes in our laws and our lives that those brave women fought for if maybe we haven't come so far after all, if all the old ideas are still there, if every little thing I'm supposed to think of as nothing because after all things are so good now just makes them more normal. Most of all, I worry that we're getting just that much closer to sliding back, and how willing will people be now to really fight after years of being told to ignore it all.
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Denim Day
A little while ago I was outside, after dark, and a man I did not know started to walk behind me. Instantly all the little hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I started fingering my keys and thinking of how I could cause the most damage if he tried anything. I started paying attention to where the lights were. I wondered if anyone would here my scream. My eyes kept drifting to the forested area next to me, calculating how quickly I could be dragged behind a bush. Wondering that if anything happened and someone walked by, would they even help?
You know what he was probably thinking? How it was so cold outside, and he couldn't wait to get home. How his professor assigned way to much reading. Something normal, something safe.
This isn't the first time this has happened, and it won't be the last. I don't think this is even an example of me being neurotic. This is normal. Worse than that, this is what responsible women are supposed to do. Because rape is just a women's issue, a women's problem.
I hate that I feel like I'm supposed to obey all these rules to be safe. If I just don't wear anything sexy, or go out alone at night, or a thousand other things, then I'll be safe. If I break one of them, just one, then I deserve anything that happens to me, I'm somehow complicit in the acts of another. I hate that most of the rules don't matter. They're comforting lies we tell, because so want to believe that we can somehow control the actions of others, and thereby stay safe. We want that so much we are willing to blame people when someone chooses to do something horrible to them. Even the way we say it, "she got raped" (like she caught a cold or something) instead of "a man raped her" takes the focus away from the person that actually caused rape. Mistakes were made, but not by him.
Part of the reason we focus on the woman who is raped and not the man who rapes, is that we don't want to acknowledge that rapists are not just scary men in the bushes. The fact is, I probably know someone who is a rapist, and so do you. It's a terrifying thing to acknowledge that rapists are ordinary people. Its easier to blame someone for not playing by the rules than to face up to that reality.
Unfortunately, none of that actually fixes anything. It may make us feel safe, but if anything believing those lies makes us less safe because it takes our focus away from the actual problem. If we actually want to stop rape, we need to start focusing on the people who rape, and the culture that allows them to.
Walking alone does not cause rape. Clothing does not cause rape. Rapists cause rape.
What if instead of teaching women how not to be raped, we taught men not to rape? What if men had even a portion of the fear of raping someone as most women do of being raped? People talk about how so many women cry rape. (It does happen, and it's wrong when it does. It's also very rare.) I wonder what would happen if men were afraid of doing something because it would make them seem rapey? What if we stopped assuming that women were sexually available so long as they didn't make it crystal clear that they weren't? What if we didn't teach that no means no, but that yes means yes?
I hate that being scared is the normal and responsible norm for so many women. I hate knowing that someone could do something to me, and I would get blamed for it. I hate that as a society we support rape with our silence and our willingness to willfully ignore it just because perversely it makes us feel safer. I hate that we look at the victim and not the perpetrator because it makes us more comfortable. I hate that all of this just supports rape. Most of all I hate that because I have a vagina, stepping outside can be like entering a war zone. There is no reason I shouldn't be able to go outside at night.
Today is Denim Day, when denim is worn to raise awareness about sexual assault, inspired by a woman who was raped while wearing tight jeans, whose rapist was acquitted because a judge felt that because she was wearing tight jeans she must have helped to take them off, so it couldn't have been rape. It's a good way of expressing solidarity and raising awareness. Good goals, but honestly I think that so long as rape is seen as a women's issue, focused on what we can do to not be raped rather than changing what actually causes and supports rape, not much will change.
You know what he was probably thinking? How it was so cold outside, and he couldn't wait to get home. How his professor assigned way to much reading. Something normal, something safe.
This isn't the first time this has happened, and it won't be the last. I don't think this is even an example of me being neurotic. This is normal. Worse than that, this is what responsible women are supposed to do. Because rape is just a women's issue, a women's problem.
I hate that I feel like I'm supposed to obey all these rules to be safe. If I just don't wear anything sexy, or go out alone at night, or a thousand other things, then I'll be safe. If I break one of them, just one, then I deserve anything that happens to me, I'm somehow complicit in the acts of another. I hate that most of the rules don't matter. They're comforting lies we tell, because so want to believe that we can somehow control the actions of others, and thereby stay safe. We want that so much we are willing to blame people when someone chooses to do something horrible to them. Even the way we say it, "she got raped" (like she caught a cold or something) instead of "a man raped her" takes the focus away from the person that actually caused rape. Mistakes were made, but not by him.
Part of the reason we focus on the woman who is raped and not the man who rapes, is that we don't want to acknowledge that rapists are not just scary men in the bushes. The fact is, I probably know someone who is a rapist, and so do you. It's a terrifying thing to acknowledge that rapists are ordinary people. Its easier to blame someone for not playing by the rules than to face up to that reality.
Unfortunately, none of that actually fixes anything. It may make us feel safe, but if anything believing those lies makes us less safe because it takes our focus away from the actual problem. If we actually want to stop rape, we need to start focusing on the people who rape, and the culture that allows them to.
Walking alone does not cause rape. Clothing does not cause rape. Rapists cause rape.
What if instead of teaching women how not to be raped, we taught men not to rape? What if men had even a portion of the fear of raping someone as most women do of being raped? People talk about how so many women cry rape. (It does happen, and it's wrong when it does. It's also very rare.) I wonder what would happen if men were afraid of doing something because it would make them seem rapey? What if we stopped assuming that women were sexually available so long as they didn't make it crystal clear that they weren't? What if we didn't teach that no means no, but that yes means yes?
I hate that being scared is the normal and responsible norm for so many women. I hate knowing that someone could do something to me, and I would get blamed for it. I hate that as a society we support rape with our silence and our willingness to willfully ignore it just because perversely it makes us feel safer. I hate that we look at the victim and not the perpetrator because it makes us more comfortable. I hate that all of this just supports rape. Most of all I hate that because I have a vagina, stepping outside can be like entering a war zone. There is no reason I shouldn't be able to go outside at night.
Today is Denim Day, when denim is worn to raise awareness about sexual assault, inspired by a woman who was raped while wearing tight jeans, whose rapist was acquitted because a judge felt that because she was wearing tight jeans she must have helped to take them off, so it couldn't have been rape. It's a good way of expressing solidarity and raising awareness. Good goals, but honestly I think that so long as rape is seen as a women's issue, focused on what we can do to not be raped rather than changing what actually causes and supports rape, not much will change.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Manly meals (why does my pizza have a gender?)
When our pizza was served last night (why yes, I am stretching one event out into two blog posts), the server set down a fresh basil, mushroom, tomato onion pizza in front of me, and a rich pepperoni, sausage, kalamata olive one in front of Zach. Which would be fine, except that I'm the carnivore, and Zach is the one who understands that vegetables have a role outside of salads.
This happens almost every time we go out to eat. I have the manliest, meatiest thing imaginable, while Zach has something light and lovely. I dig into a juicy T-bone, he nibbles at a Caesar salad. Every time we are automatically served the other persons meal, every time we switch plates, and every time I get a little raised eyebrow or a smirk tossed in my direction.
I usually blush a little, or mumble something about feeling extra hungry that night. Like I'm embarrassed by or need to apologize for eating what I want or for not eating healthy. (Although come on, it's a pizza. The veggies aren't going to save it.)
This happens almost every time we go out to eat. I have the manliest, meatiest thing imaginable, while Zach has something light and lovely. I dig into a juicy T-bone, he nibbles at a Caesar salad. Every time we are automatically served the other persons meal, every time we switch plates, and every time I get a little raised eyebrow or a smirk tossed in my direction.
I usually blush a little, or mumble something about feeling extra hungry that night. Like I'm embarrassed by or need to apologize for eating what I want or for not eating healthy. (Although come on, it's a pizza. The veggies aren't going to save it.)
Am I crazy to think that this is a gendered thing? Most people don't look twice at a man eating a meat lovers special, but it's weird for a woman to, or for a man to chow down on a good salad. It's just food, isn't that kind of a stupid thing to be gendered? Is it because meat helps build big, scary muscles? Is being fat so scary and horrible for women (who of course must remain at sex-kitten perfection)that a less than healthy meal is taboo? Is red meat some sort of gateway drug for double x-chromosomes?
This isn't just a date night observation. I've been out with women and gone through the obligatory round of apologies and how I'm being so bad before ordering something a little more than dainty. It's kind of a weird, awkward ritual of policing food norms and assuring everyone that the hamburger is just a rare deviation from a life of dressing on the side.
I'm tired for feeling bad about food or going through exaggerated play acting to pretend like I feel bad. Here's my not-so dirty little secret: I like food, and I don't always feel guilty or naughty about it. I like meat and fat and cheese and deep fried things. They taste really good - moans and bedroom noises good. Sure, I don't eat like that all or even most of the time. I have no magic metabolism, and I put forth a decent amount of effort to keep my jeans zipping up over my already generous thighs and rolled stomach. Tonight I dinned on a very reasonable salad and grilled chicken breast with strawberries for dessert. That's the norm. I know that a delicious yet healthy recipe is worth its weight in gold.
But if I'm going to spend the time and money to go out, you better believe I'm going to get something because it will make my mouth happy. Next time I'm going to look at the server with a great big smile and no apologies as I reach for my plate.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Why feminism still matters
Quite a few of my fellow blog stalkers have probably already come across the recent Cjane post on feminism. I tried and tried to come up with a rational, polite response, but couldn't come up with anything other than my head exploding a little. I'm not a total fluff blogger, but I do avoid showcasing my brain matter splashed all over the screen as a general rule.
I really, truly believe that most people who are not misogynists are on some level feminists in the broadest, most foundational sense of the term. And I definitely know that feminism still has an important role to fill in our world.
I'm not going to go into all the things feminism has done in the past (voting, property rights, etc). For today, I'm just looking at why feminism still has something to offer. (I'm trying to make this as concise as I can. This is by no means a comprehensive list or exploration.)
On its most basic level, feminism is the radical belief that women are people. In our world, they aren't. Men are people and women are women. Men=default, women=aberration. It's a bit of a trivial example, but there is a reason why a book or movie about a boy is just a piece of media for general consumption, but the same piece about a woman is suddenly just a chick thing. There is a reason why when picturing a lawyer or a doctor, supposedly gender neutral occupations, most people think of a man.
Some things aren't that trivial. Part of seeing women as people has to do with not seeing them as objects. Objects don't have to be treated with the respect and decency of people. Probably one of the most dehumanizing acts is raping or abusing another person. Officially our culture decries these acts, but unofficially our culture supports these acts by turning a blind eye, placing the blame or responsibility on women. In lesser ways, the way we treat women as purely sexual bodies from pornography on one hand to slut shaming immodesty on the other, also reduces people to objects. Feminism fights for women to be seen as people, not objectified and subjected to violence.
Feminism is needed so that traditional femininity and motherhood can be valued. Part of valuing women fully is valuing all the things that we associate with women. In all honesty, this is one of the ways early feminists really screwed up. They were part of a world that devalued the feminine, and in trying to raise women up they made the mistake of trying to open the doors to higher valued masculine avenues without simultaneously elevating the feminine. Taking care of another human being is an amazing thing. So is keeping a household running. So is almost everything that is associated with women, and devalued for that association. In a feminist world traditionally feminine fields like nursing and teaching would be paid fairly. Parenthood would be supported and championed by employers, society and people. Feminism values femininity, and points towards a world where it is valued and supported.
Men need feminism. Just as women are people, so are men. Shaming men into an arbitrary box of masculinity denies them the ability to be full people. Men should be able to take care of children or dance or express emotions or whatever, supposedly masculine, feminine or whatever. By knocking down arbitrary walls, feminism frees men from a stereotype of masculinity.
Marriages and families need feminism. I firmly believe that for a marriage to succeed, it needs to be a respectful, loving, supportive union between two partners who value each other as equal. By valuing the full person hood of men and women, feminism supports good families.
We all need women to be a valued part of the world. I don't necessarily believe that women and men are essentially different, but in today's world women live a very different experience than men, and the perspective they can bring to the table from that experience is valuable. When feminism brings women to the table, we all benefit.
And all this is just in America. The way women continue to be dehumanized to the extreme and worse in other parts of the world is beyond what I'm equipped to talk about here. Feminism hopefully has a large role to play in their futures.
I have a little 5 year old sister and I love her like crazy. She is the most amazing person to watch play, she will seamlessly alternate from tenderly rocking her doll to having the doll fend off a vicious attack from a three headed dragon. She does things just because she wants to, not because of who she was told to be. Right now, she is free to be a full person. I don't want her to ever be told that her dolls and pink dresses are stupid and girly. I don't ever want her to be told that she shouldn't play with action figures because those are only for boys. I don't want her to ever be afraid for her safety because she is a woman. I want her to always be as free to be her own person as she is today, and to be valued for that. In today's world, she won't be.
I believe in my sister and her humanity, and I believe in mine. That is why we need feminism.
I really, truly believe that most people who are not misogynists are on some level feminists in the broadest, most foundational sense of the term. And I definitely know that feminism still has an important role to fill in our world.
I'm not going to go into all the things feminism has done in the past (voting, property rights, etc). For today, I'm just looking at why feminism still has something to offer. (I'm trying to make this as concise as I can. This is by no means a comprehensive list or exploration.)
On its most basic level, feminism is the radical belief that women are people. In our world, they aren't. Men are people and women are women. Men=default, women=aberration. It's a bit of a trivial example, but there is a reason why a book or movie about a boy is just a piece of media for general consumption, but the same piece about a woman is suddenly just a chick thing. There is a reason why when picturing a lawyer or a doctor, supposedly gender neutral occupations, most people think of a man.
Some things aren't that trivial. Part of seeing women as people has to do with not seeing them as objects. Objects don't have to be treated with the respect and decency of people. Probably one of the most dehumanizing acts is raping or abusing another person. Officially our culture decries these acts, but unofficially our culture supports these acts by turning a blind eye, placing the blame or responsibility on women. In lesser ways, the way we treat women as purely sexual bodies from pornography on one hand to slut shaming immodesty on the other, also reduces people to objects. Feminism fights for women to be seen as people, not objectified and subjected to violence.
Feminism is needed so that traditional femininity and motherhood can be valued. Part of valuing women fully is valuing all the things that we associate with women. In all honesty, this is one of the ways early feminists really screwed up. They were part of a world that devalued the feminine, and in trying to raise women up they made the mistake of trying to open the doors to higher valued masculine avenues without simultaneously elevating the feminine. Taking care of another human being is an amazing thing. So is keeping a household running. So is almost everything that is associated with women, and devalued for that association. In a feminist world traditionally feminine fields like nursing and teaching would be paid fairly. Parenthood would be supported and championed by employers, society and people. Feminism values femininity, and points towards a world where it is valued and supported.
Men need feminism. Just as women are people, so are men. Shaming men into an arbitrary box of masculinity denies them the ability to be full people. Men should be able to take care of children or dance or express emotions or whatever, supposedly masculine, feminine or whatever. By knocking down arbitrary walls, feminism frees men from a stereotype of masculinity.
Marriages and families need feminism. I firmly believe that for a marriage to succeed, it needs to be a respectful, loving, supportive union between two partners who value each other as equal. By valuing the full person hood of men and women, feminism supports good families.
We all need women to be a valued part of the world. I don't necessarily believe that women and men are essentially different, but in today's world women live a very different experience than men, and the perspective they can bring to the table from that experience is valuable. When feminism brings women to the table, we all benefit.
And all this is just in America. The way women continue to be dehumanized to the extreme and worse in other parts of the world is beyond what I'm equipped to talk about here. Feminism hopefully has a large role to play in their futures.
I have a little 5 year old sister and I love her like crazy. She is the most amazing person to watch play, she will seamlessly alternate from tenderly rocking her doll to having the doll fend off a vicious attack from a three headed dragon. She does things just because she wants to, not because of who she was told to be. Right now, she is free to be a full person. I don't want her to ever be told that her dolls and pink dresses are stupid and girly. I don't ever want her to be told that she shouldn't play with action figures because those are only for boys. I don't want her to ever be afraid for her safety because she is a woman. I want her to always be as free to be her own person as she is today, and to be valued for that. In today's world, she won't be.
I believe in my sister and her humanity, and I believe in mine. That is why we need feminism.
(Faith at wedding, about 1.5 years ago)
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