Nice Guys

So y'all know that 25 things about me meme that has spread like an infectious disease all over facebook. Well, one of my guy friends posted it, and one of his items mentioned how much he hates being referred to as a nice guy. This lead to a few comments from some girls about how much they like nice guys, that he shouldn't take it as an insult. I've long been very opinionated about the whole "nice guy" thing so I threw in a brief comment. I think that the concept of 'nice guys" tends to be really misused and misunderstood. Girls like guys who are nice, but they often use the phrase "nice guys" as a way to describe guys that they just aren't interested in. Guys hear this and think they're being rejected for being nice. Let me elaborate.

What Girls Mean
Look, most girls are fairly nice people. We don't want to say mean things about people. Which is why when girls usually describe someone as a nice guy they say "he's such a nice guy, but..." . The important thing about this guy they're describing is not that he's a "nice guy". If a guy is really funny, or smart, or spiritual or sweet or has some other more interesting, specific characteristic then they'll describe him using that. When the best thing you can say about someone is that they're not mean, then that guy probably have a lot about them that interests the girl. Saying a guy is a "nice guy" is just a girl's nice way of saying she isn't interested in him, but he's not a jerk.

Alternatively, and probably more importantly, girls will often try and assure a guy that he's really a "nice guy" when they're rejecting him. They aren't letting him go because he's nice. For whatever reason they're just not interested. But they don't want to be mean, so in saying he's a "nice guy" they're just trying to communicate that he's a perfectly good guy, just not for them.

It's not that girls don't like guys who are nice. Almost every girl I know wants a guy who treats them well, a guy who is, well, nice. They just want to also be interested in him - for him to have more going on than treating people with basic decency. And if they are then they'll describe him as something more specific than just being nice.

What Guys Mean
Most of the time when I hear a guy talk about the nice guy thing it's because he's not having good luck in the dating department and blames all his woes on being a "nice guy". He sees himself a guy who does everything right and still gets rejected while guys who he doesn't see as. I have two things to say to this imaginary guy:

1) Look, no one rejects you because you're just too nice. I know all the girls say "You're such a nice guy!" and then make it clear that they're not interested. It makes sense to put the two together. They're just not interested in you and are trying to be nice.

2) This doesn't apply to all guys who have grown to hate being called nice guys - but I've known quite a few who feel that because they're doing everything they think they're supposed to that somehow they are entitled to a girl. Often not just any girl, but the hot girl that everyone wants. And so when they get rejected they get bitter at not getting what they think they deserve as nice guys. Being a good guy should be a prerequisite to a relationship - never an entitlement.

I think I'm sounding kind of harsh right now, maybe like I'm calling all nice guys boring or bitter or something. Let me try again. Interest between two people is like a chemical reaction. You put two of the right chemicals together and theres an explosion. Put those same chemicals with something else and nothing will happen. There's nothing wrong with the chemicals, they just react differently with different things. The boring, "nice guy" for one girl can make the right girl see fireworks. The facebook guy who hates being called nice probably has a reason for feeling that way - but I know plenty of girls that had a big thing for him back in the day (including me). Oh, and I don't think he's one of the bitter, entitled feeling guys.

My personal example
My Sophomore year of college I went on a few dates with a guy named Brian. Brian was a sweet guy. Very easy to be around, cooked some great Italian food, and we even had some really nice conversations. But there was no way on earth that I could have ever kissed Brian. He was perfectly attractive. Nothing wrong with Brian, there were just no sparks for me. I did the typical girl thing and tried to use hints to let him down easy, but of course it didn't work. I know, hints never work. But anyways I ultimately . So I took the easy way out and uttered the dreaded words "You're a nice guy, but I'm just not interested." I was just trying to say that he was fine, there just weren't any sparks.

I don't think that's what he heard - in fact based on some of his subsequent facebook status updates I'm pretty sure that he took it another time a good guy was rejected for being too nice. I really did like that he was nice to me, he really was nice to be around. Just no sparks.

A Side Note
I probably should I acknowledge that there is definitely something way sexy about the so-called bad guys. My earliest fictional crush was the teasing Cajun thief Gambit from the X-men Saturday morning cartoons. From there I grew to swoon over the scoundrel Han Solo, Lost's sexy con-artist Sawyer, Buffy's evil yet tenderhearted vampire Spike and oh so many others. I definitely have a bad boy thing.

So what's so great about the bad boys? Well they tend to be confident and exciting. The ideal bad boy is tough on the outside, but once they meet the right woman are all dedicated and loving. They tease, they're fun and challenging. They seem like a lot of fun to have hot, steamy sex with. But lets not forget the drama that always comes with them. It's not healthy, it doesn't make you happy, but its quite exciting.

Zach's not a bad boy, but he's no "nice guy" either. One of the main reasons why I married Zach was because he challenges me. If he thinks I'm full of crap he'll call me on it. We tease each other. It's fun, it's exciting. But he's missing one of the biggest "bad boy qualities": drama. We actually have a functional relationship with talking and everything. He treats me great, way better than any imaginary or real bad boy would. I'm still attracted to the bad boy types, and Zach often makes fun of me when we watch certain shows or movies. But I wouldn't want to be married to them, and I think most girls would agree.

So I suppose there are some girls that go for the flashy, exciting bad boys. But I don't think that this is the majority of what happens. Like I said earlier, bad boys are fun to fantasize about, but most girls really want to be with a guy who makes them happy - a good guy whose nice. They just also want a little excitement and interest and sex appeal. Most guys are exciting and interesting and sexy to several girls, just not all. And not always the ones they want.

The Bottom Line
Girls probably should stop describing guys as "nice guys." It's just never going to come out right. Guys probably should learn that they aren't rejected for they're niceness, for whatever reason that specific girl just isn't interested. Someone else definitely will be.

This is obviously just my opinion. But I'm pretty sure I'm right - at least assuming that what I said made any sense and wasn't too crazy repetitive. Thoughts? Comments?